Thinking of My Family

I’ve been thinking so much about my family (Mom, Dad, siblings, nieces, nephews). I wonder what happened to us. I have memories of us being together all the time. Anything that happened was a reason to celebrate. I remember our home was always full.

Now as an adult I look around and all I see is destruction. Reminds of John 10:10 - The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy:…

Alcoholism, drug addiction, broken homes, broken lives or literally shattered lives, etc., etc.

The other day I asked the LORD why He had chosen me. How was it that by His incredible grace and mercy He plucked me out of the mire and set my foot upon the solid rock which is Jesus Christ. I received no answer, I was only prompted to continue to intercede for my family. God is still able to bring salvation to their souls…until they take their last breath, here on earth, there is still hope. I don’t lose hope, but I must admit my heart hurts at the thought of their lives being lived in such destructive ways.

Today the LORD gave me a wonderful gift. My sister-in-law, who lives in Mexico, posted this picture of two of my brothers. I hadn’t seen them since Mom’s funeral. O, to see their faces, what joy! But o, the heartache of seeing their eyes…the pain of a life lived in the mire. O, God, reach down from heaven and call them by name. Pluck them out of the mire and set their feet upon the solid rock, which is Jesus Christ. Thank you, LORD, for this gift. Thank you, LORD, that You are here with me and You are there with them.

How many more lives will be destroyed? How many more souls will be saved? Those are questions I do not have an answer to, nor will I ever. However, I cling to God’s Word that says, that He is not willing that any should perish, but that all will come to repentance. I will continue to pray and plead for the souls of my family until, Jesus, calls me home to be with Him.

Grieving/Remembering Mom

It has been over nine months since Mom’s home-going. Today “grief” has hit me like a ton of bricks…again.

I have not had the courage to write, even though at times I have felt prompted to. There is this fear in me of being vulnerable, letting my guard down, actually letting you in on my feelings. There is also that dreaded “voice’ that condemns me and whispers in my ears and at times screams in my face, “Now, you care”…”Now, you want to…” “Now, you miss her”…on and on it goes.

It is time to write…

Today I’ve felt this need to go to Mom’s grave and take her flowers, this is not the first time. It is funny that before I thought taking flowers to a grave was a waste of time, however, today I wish I would have that place where I know Mom’s body was placed, a place I can go to and take her flowers. You know what, Mom loved roses. She always had them growing around her home. I have a flower bed with roses that she loved to go outside and sit by them (when she was able to go outside). When it became difficult for her to go outside, she would stand by the sliding door and stare at them…she loved roses. I remember her last day here on earth, it was already December so there wasn’t much left of the rose bushes, however I looked out my kitchen window and saw the most beautiful red rose. God spoke to my heart and led me to go cut this rose and take it to Mom. This day she wasn’t able to walk to the kitchen, so I brought it to her and put it on her little table…she simply smiled and said, “It is beautiful.” She looked so tired and weak.

I’m remembering that weak, frail smile. I’m remembering that shuffle down the hall. I’m remembering…and through the remembering there is that accusing voice, saying, “I should have” “would have” “why didn’t I” – it is all part of my story, one that has taught me so much and continues to teach me.

Good days, bad days…good days, horrendous days…it is all part of grieving. My, what an incredibly tangled web this grieving process is.

I miss my Mom, yet I find great comfort KNOWING that we are only temporarily separated by this enemy called “death”. I find great comfort KNOWING that one day we will be together again, and this time all the “ugliness of the flesh” will be done away with. We will be in heaven with our Savior and each other with no pain, no sorrow, no regrets, no should haves, would haves…only eternity, heavenly eternity.

Praise be to God who alone brings the victory!!!