It has been over nine months since Mom’s home-going. Today “grief” has hit me like a ton of bricks…again.
I have not had the courage to write, even though at times I have felt prompted to. There is this fear in me of being vulnerable, letting my guard down, actually letting you in on my feelings. There is also that dreaded “voice’ that condemns me and whispers in my ears and at times screams in my face, “Now, you care”…”Now, you want to…” “Now, you miss her”…on and on it goes.
It is time to write…
Today I’ve felt this need to go to Mom’s grave and take her flowers, this is not the first time. It is funny that before I thought taking flowers to a grave was a waste of time, however, today I wish I would have that place where I know Mom’s body was placed, a place I can go to and take her flowers. You know what, Mom loved roses. She always had them growing around her home. I have a flower bed with roses that she loved to go outside and sit by them (when she was able to go outside). When it became difficult for her to go outside, she would stand by the sliding door and stare at them…she loved roses. I remember her last day here on earth, it was already December so there wasn’t much left of the rose bushes, however I looked out my kitchen window and saw the most beautiful red rose. God spoke to my heart and led me to go cut this rose and take it to Mom. This day she wasn’t able to walk to the kitchen, so I brought it to her and put it on her little table…she simply smiled and said, “It is beautiful.” She looked so tired and weak.
I’m remembering that weak, frail smile. I’m remembering that shuffle down the hall. I’m remembering…and through the remembering there is that accusing voice, saying, “I should have” “would have” “why didn’t I” – it is all part of my story, one that has taught me so much and continues to teach me.
Good days, bad days…good days, horrendous days…it is all part of grieving. My, what an incredibly tangled web this grieving process is.
I miss my Mom, yet I find great comfort KNOWING that we are only temporarily separated by this enemy called “death”. I find great comfort KNOWING that one day we will be together again, and this time all the “ugliness of the flesh” will be done away with. We will be in heaven with our Savior and each other with no pain, no sorrow, no regrets, no should haves, would haves…only eternity, heavenly eternity.
Praise be to God who alone brings the victory!!!
I have not had the courage to write, even though at times I have felt prompted to. There is this fear in me of being vulnerable, letting my guard down, actually letting you in on my feelings. There is also that dreaded “voice’ that condemns me and whispers in my ears and at times screams in my face, “Now, you care”…”Now, you want to…” “Now, you miss her”…on and on it goes.
It is time to write…
Today I’ve felt this need to go to Mom’s grave and take her flowers, this is not the first time. It is funny that before I thought taking flowers to a grave was a waste of time, however, today I wish I would have that place where I know Mom’s body was placed, a place I can go to and take her flowers. You know what, Mom loved roses. She always had them growing around her home. I have a flower bed with roses that she loved to go outside and sit by them (when she was able to go outside). When it became difficult for her to go outside, she would stand by the sliding door and stare at them…she loved roses. I remember her last day here on earth, it was already December so there wasn’t much left of the rose bushes, however I looked out my kitchen window and saw the most beautiful red rose. God spoke to my heart and led me to go cut this rose and take it to Mom. This day she wasn’t able to walk to the kitchen, so I brought it to her and put it on her little table…she simply smiled and said, “It is beautiful.” She looked so tired and weak.
I’m remembering that weak, frail smile. I’m remembering that shuffle down the hall. I’m remembering…and through the remembering there is that accusing voice, saying, “I should have” “would have” “why didn’t I” – it is all part of my story, one that has taught me so much and continues to teach me.
Good days, bad days…good days, horrendous days…it is all part of grieving. My, what an incredibly tangled web this grieving process is.
I miss my Mom, yet I find great comfort KNOWING that we are only temporarily separated by this enemy called “death”. I find great comfort KNOWING that one day we will be together again, and this time all the “ugliness of the flesh” will be done away with. We will be in heaven with our Savior and each other with no pain, no sorrow, no regrets, no should haves, would haves…only eternity, heavenly eternity.
Praise be to God who alone brings the victory!!!
2 comments:
Awww Ms. Leti..Thank you for writing this.. Simply beautiful
Thank you Tiffany. You are a very special young lady. Hugs and blessings upon you, Sweety.
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