Mom's One Year Anniversary

One year ago my Mom went home to be with the LORD. What an incredible year this has been. Who would have thought there would be so many emotions, regrets, an intense hurt, and such loneliness.

Memories, memories, memories...

I remember thinking,

~ "no one should ever see their loved one carried out in a body bag."
(Mom's passed away at home and the coroner had to transport her body to the funeral home)

~ "no one should ever have to receive their loved ones body in a crate."
(Mom's desire was to be buried in Mexico next to my Dad. This was insane. I, fully convinced and knowing that that was just a shell of who Mom was, had such a difficult time seeing this crate being brought down and dismantled...I can't even imagine what the rest of the family felt...God have mercy!)

~ thinking of her frail body gasping for air

~ thinking of the incredible deterioration that happens as one embarks on their last journey

~ have her eyes etched on my mind and heart as she looked at me for one last time

~ still tremble at the feeling of having to come home from the funeral home and finding her room empty...all the equipment had already been picked up by the rental companies - no longer needed, but, O GOD, what a sinking feeling...sat in the middle of the room and lost myself in time.

~ bath days, doctor appointments, unused wheelchair...

YOUR EMPTY CHAIR!!!!

Today I had the intense desire to go to her grave, but it was not possible. So I went to my brother's grave and took some poinsettias...how empty, how lonely...

You know, I wonder...I wonder how people who don't have the hope that I have cope with death. I know where Mom is. I am fully convinced that one day I will see her again. I know that God is in control and works all things for the good...YET THE PAIN!

Enough of my ramblings...

Clinging to the hope that does not disappoint...JESUS!!!

Seasons

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to case away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate; a time to war, and a time of peace.

27 years ago I was getting ready to be married to Jaime J. Ramirez
26 years ago I was on my way to the Doctor's, later to be sent to the hospital to have my first son, Jaime Antonio.
A year ago I was about to enter into a realm that has shook my world...Mom's last day here on earth.

Father, thank you that no matter what - joy, pain, suffering - You have been and continue to be there for me. You have been faithful, You continue to be faithful, and you will remain faithful until the end.