Songs

“The Motions” by Matthew West
This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
*********************************

“Consuming Fire”
There must be more than this
oh breath of God come breath within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming Fire
Fan into flame
a passion for your name
Spirit of God
fall in this place
Lord have your way
Lord have your way
with us

Come like a rushing wind
Fill us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
leave us abandoned to your praise
Lord let your glory fall
Lord let your glory fall
********************

“Walk in the Dark”
Where are you taking me-why are we turning here
This road is strange to me-this path is not so clear
Must be the place where my doubt turns to faith
Where I close my eyes and take your hand
I'd rather walk in the dark with Jesus
Than walk in the light on my own
I'd rather go through the valley of the shadow with him
Than to dance on the mountains alone
I'd rather follow wherever he leads me
Than to go where none before me have gone
I'd rather walk in the dark with Jesus
Than to walk in the light of my own
I've made some plans you know-mapped out a strategy
Somebody tell me where did the seasons go-have you forgotten me
I've heard the darkest hour is just before dawn
And wherever you are the sun will shine
There will be shadows-but I won't be shaken
'Cause you've never forsaken a vow
You've never failed me before this I know
And, Jesus, you won't fail me now
******************************

“Sweetly Broken” by Jeremy Riddle
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
***************************

“Hungry (Falling on my Knees)”
Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry

So I wait for You
So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart
Is living for

Broken, I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know
Your touch restores my life

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart
Is living for

Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry

The Elephant in the Room

Today has been difficult. I’ve been thinking about Mom…my heart aches and misses her. If you knew the entire story, you would, I think, shake your head. The fact that I actually miss Mom is, even to me, complicated to understand.

Her last Sunday with me comes to mind. She had just eaten breakfast – slower than usual. I was busy trying to get everything taken care of and set up so that I could go to church. I kept looking at her from the corner of my eye, I did not want her to think that I was concerned – if I looked calm and collected, she would rest in that everything was okay. However, I could sense something was not getting better. I finally sat across the table from her to have a much needed conversation, one that we had visited many a time. She almost seemed bothered by me interrupting her puzzle-making-time, but she finally looked up. We talked about wishes, decision, desires…I can almost picture her face and a look in her eyes of “I know what’s happening. I’m okay with it.” I went to church with a heaviness in my heart. I worshiped and prayed to the only One who would, once again, be my Supernatural-Strength in days to come – o how sweet it was. It was almost as if My Jesus cradled me and comforted me in a way that was going to raise me above what was up ahead.

So often I’ve felt that it is almost forbidden to cry, to remember. It is as if people around you are uncomfortable to even bring up Mom’s name. There have been times when all I want to do is sit with someone and simply talk about Mom – My Mom! I wonder how are my brother’s doing? Do they think of her as I do? Are they hurting? Do they need a hug? Do they need to talk about Mom?

Just the other day I received a letter from Charter Hospice (they were the ones that came in to help with Mom’s last days). At first I thought the letter was some form letter to tie up lose ends, you know business. The letter began with “Please accept our heartfelt sympathy in the loss of your mother, Elvira…” “Mom’s name!” was my first thought. This letter went on to say some very kind words. It ended with, “I have enclosed some information that may help you as you begin this journey of healing. Remember, we are here for you…” I though, “somebody remembers; they haven’t forgotten.”

One of the enclosures was the following poem:

“The Elephant In the Room” by Terry Kettering
There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is Hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, “How are you?” And, “I’m fine…”
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else…except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
O, please, say her name.
O, please, say “Barbara” again.

Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death perhaps we can talk about her life?
Can I say “Barbara” to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me
Alone…
In a room…
With an elephant.

So I guess I just had to talk about the “elephant in the room”…I just had to say Mom is gone and I miss her so…

Changes - kitchen

Before my kitchen had stenciled fruit borders and was a light yellow (forgot to take pictures...) And, now, it is darker, as you can see...really different. Also, the floor was linoleum and now we, also have pergo...

Changes - floor/hall

In our hall way, my husband tore up the carpet...what a mess!

But, it was worth it! Now we have pergo...it really looks nice and clean. My niece and her husband have been working really hard to put it down...thank you guys. It looks really nice.

Changes - painting

We have been making some changes to our house...I guess it's better than moving (I think :-) My son painted before he left. Our walls used to like this:

Now, they are just a neutral color. Really different, but good. He really worked hard on getting it done before he left.

Claudia is Engaged!

Yesterday we also found out that Claudia is engaged - wowwie! We have to celebrate more - he!he! Praying that all her plans and dreams become reality, that the LORD will be the center of her marriage. Can't wait for the wedding...

Happy Birthday Moni!

It was my niece, Moni's birthday yesterday. We had such a wonderful time celebrating her special day. From left to right - me, Lulu, Moni, Claudia, Nancy...I just love these girls. We are desiring to build beautiful memories together. Lunch was yummy, company was wonderful and the laughter was on going...good time :D

Joseph Joshua Ramirez is born!

Jose, Joseph and Laura
Papa holding his little boy - precious!!!

Going Through Mom's Things

I finally got the chance, or should I say the courage, to go through Mom’s things. After Mom went to heaven, I kind of shoved everything in drawers or into the closet. However, for some reason, I have not been allowed to linger in this place for too long. Soon after, I had to deal with another good-bye, and then there was the saying good-bye to our son as he left to Missouri. I had, however, managed to ignore the piles of Mom’s things that had to be sorted through.

The day came and I sat, alone in the room…alone in the house.

“O, look, Mom’s blood-sugar checker (not the correct term, I know).”…I remember when the doctor first asked me to check her sugar. Mom was so upset because she said, “I’m not diabetic! Why do you have to do that?” For a while, almost every time I went to check her sugar, she would always say that. After some time, I think, she knew I was going to do it anyway, so she would simply stick out her hand.

“Mom’s little blankets.” She loved little blankets. She had seen some plush blankets announced at Anna’s and she kept hinting until I got her a small and large blanket…she loved her blankets. One day she saw an orange and black blanket that I had bought for my son when he was in high school. She hinted and hinted until I washed it and gave it to her - she just loved it! She used to say it was so warm. I really think she liked the colors. Mom loved bright colors.

“Here is her clothes, her shampoo, her…, her…, her…, her stuff.”

Is that how it is? Some one’s stuff is put away. Is boxed up. Is…

Is this what happens?

No wonder Mom had such a difficult time going through Dad’s things. In fact, I don’t think she ever managed to go through them. Here and there she gave some stuff away and some stuff disappeared (total other story), but for the most part Dad’s things simply stayed where he left them.

Mom, I KNOW, is in a better place. She has no more physical suffering. She is finally whole - for this I am eternally grateful. And, it does help on some of those difficult days. But, I must admit there are days that even this can’t take the pain away.

Romans 8:32 - He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up
for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

“…With Jesus I know I can make it, with Jesus I know I can
stand…My life is in His (very able, capable) hands…”

Pray for My Son

It is official, my son has enlisted in the National Guard. Yesterday he came home and showed me his Military I.D. Card - yes, I cried and held him tight. I guess I never thought...

Please continue to pray for my son - in a few days he will be leaving for Missouri. Keep me in prayer - my heart aches and rejoices at the same time. Keep my husband in prayer - his Papa's heart...