Mom's One Year Anniversary

One year ago my Mom went home to be with the LORD. What an incredible year this has been. Who would have thought there would be so many emotions, regrets, an intense hurt, and such loneliness.

Memories, memories, memories...

I remember thinking,

~ "no one should ever see their loved one carried out in a body bag."
(Mom's passed away at home and the coroner had to transport her body to the funeral home)

~ "no one should ever have to receive their loved ones body in a crate."
(Mom's desire was to be buried in Mexico next to my Dad. This was insane. I, fully convinced and knowing that that was just a shell of who Mom was, had such a difficult time seeing this crate being brought down and dismantled...I can't even imagine what the rest of the family felt...God have mercy!)

~ thinking of her frail body gasping for air

~ thinking of the incredible deterioration that happens as one embarks on their last journey

~ have her eyes etched on my mind and heart as she looked at me for one last time

~ still tremble at the feeling of having to come home from the funeral home and finding her room empty...all the equipment had already been picked up by the rental companies - no longer needed, but, O GOD, what a sinking feeling...sat in the middle of the room and lost myself in time.

~ bath days, doctor appointments, unused wheelchair...

YOUR EMPTY CHAIR!!!!

Today I had the intense desire to go to her grave, but it was not possible. So I went to my brother's grave and took some poinsettias...how empty, how lonely...

You know, I wonder...I wonder how people who don't have the hope that I have cope with death. I know where Mom is. I am fully convinced that one day I will see her again. I know that God is in control and works all things for the good...YET THE PAIN!

Enough of my ramblings...

Clinging to the hope that does not disappoint...JESUS!!!

Seasons

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to case away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate; a time to war, and a time of peace.

27 years ago I was getting ready to be married to Jaime J. Ramirez
26 years ago I was on my way to the Doctor's, later to be sent to the hospital to have my first son, Jaime Antonio.
A year ago I was about to enter into a realm that has shook my world...Mom's last day here on earth.

Father, thank you that no matter what - joy, pain, suffering - You have been and continue to be there for me. You have been faithful, You continue to be faithful, and you will remain faithful until the end.

My Hope

My Mom, my Sister, my niece, Moni

Me, my brother, Oscar and my niece, Lulu

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my family. The other day my niece, Lulu, posted this picture on Facebook. In fact, she posted a bunch of pictures of when we were little. It was a nice trip through memory lane.

My heart grieves at the thought of how "SIN" has shattered, and continues to destroy, our family. There is this worship song that we sing at church - it is called, "You Hold Me Now" - that brings me to tears everytime.

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace

All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
When Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence here to hold
Let these songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suff'ring You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sickening
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now

In this life fin'lly stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails

When You're name is lifted high
And forever praises last
For the glory of Your Name
I'll be livin' for the day

When the world has finally cease
All creation rest in peace
Let these songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suff'ring You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sickening
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name

I absolutely love the fact that this is not just a song, but reality. This is what we are promised in Scripture...Praise be to God! This earth will pass away and we will have the new heavens and new earth.

Isaiah 65:17-19 - Look! I am creating new heavens and a new earth - so wonderful that no one will even think about the old ones anymore. Be glad; rejoice forever in My creation!...And the sound of weeping and crying will be heard no more. v.25...In those days, no one will be hurt or destroyed on my holy mountain. I, the LORD, have spoken!

My Brother's, Tony, Grave

Visited my brother’s plot yesterday. For some reason I’ve been really desiring to go to the cemetery. Yesterday, my niece, Lulu, came to spend the day with me and we took that drive to Corona.

As I saw my brother’s stone I was overwhelmed by emotions, by questions, by an extreme desire to sit and cry my heart out.

My brother was 26 years old, he has been gone since 1983. It was all so fresh.

My thoughts – “His stone is so dirty, you can’t even see his picture.” “What happened? Why did I abandon him” (please know that I do not believe that I have abandoned my brother. I know that all that remains in that grave are my brother’s bones. “Did his 26 years with us really mean nothing.” Then as I tried to read the lettering on the stone, I voiced, “Beloved Husband…really, where you really a beloved husband?” With a chuckle I answered by own question.

To see this run down plot really grieved my heart.

What happens when someone dies? I mean, what happens to those that stay behind? Am I saying that if you do not visit your loved ones plot it means that you did not love them, you do not miss them, you do not care for them? No, I’m not saying nor implying that. Each of us will deal with their grief in different ways. However, I am asking myself the question of “why the need to visit this plot?” “why the overwhelming heartache and pain when I saw the signs of abandonment?” It hurt me, it grieved me, it was painful to see.

Thinking of My Family

I’ve been thinking so much about my family (Mom, Dad, siblings, nieces, nephews). I wonder what happened to us. I have memories of us being together all the time. Anything that happened was a reason to celebrate. I remember our home was always full.

Now as an adult I look around and all I see is destruction. Reminds of John 10:10 - The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy:…

Alcoholism, drug addiction, broken homes, broken lives or literally shattered lives, etc., etc.

The other day I asked the LORD why He had chosen me. How was it that by His incredible grace and mercy He plucked me out of the mire and set my foot upon the solid rock which is Jesus Christ. I received no answer, I was only prompted to continue to intercede for my family. God is still able to bring salvation to their souls…until they take their last breath, here on earth, there is still hope. I don’t lose hope, but I must admit my heart hurts at the thought of their lives being lived in such destructive ways.

Today the LORD gave me a wonderful gift. My sister-in-law, who lives in Mexico, posted this picture of two of my brothers. I hadn’t seen them since Mom’s funeral. O, to see their faces, what joy! But o, the heartache of seeing their eyes…the pain of a life lived in the mire. O, God, reach down from heaven and call them by name. Pluck them out of the mire and set their feet upon the solid rock, which is Jesus Christ. Thank you, LORD, for this gift. Thank you, LORD, that You are here with me and You are there with them.

How many more lives will be destroyed? How many more souls will be saved? Those are questions I do not have an answer to, nor will I ever. However, I cling to God’s Word that says, that He is not willing that any should perish, but that all will come to repentance. I will continue to pray and plead for the souls of my family until, Jesus, calls me home to be with Him.

Grieving/Remembering Mom

It has been over nine months since Mom’s home-going. Today “grief” has hit me like a ton of bricks…again.

I have not had the courage to write, even though at times I have felt prompted to. There is this fear in me of being vulnerable, letting my guard down, actually letting you in on my feelings. There is also that dreaded “voice’ that condemns me and whispers in my ears and at times screams in my face, “Now, you care”…”Now, you want to…” “Now, you miss her”…on and on it goes.

It is time to write…

Today I’ve felt this need to go to Mom’s grave and take her flowers, this is not the first time. It is funny that before I thought taking flowers to a grave was a waste of time, however, today I wish I would have that place where I know Mom’s body was placed, a place I can go to and take her flowers. You know what, Mom loved roses. She always had them growing around her home. I have a flower bed with roses that she loved to go outside and sit by them (when she was able to go outside). When it became difficult for her to go outside, she would stand by the sliding door and stare at them…she loved roses. I remember her last day here on earth, it was already December so there wasn’t much left of the rose bushes, however I looked out my kitchen window and saw the most beautiful red rose. God spoke to my heart and led me to go cut this rose and take it to Mom. This day she wasn’t able to walk to the kitchen, so I brought it to her and put it on her little table…she simply smiled and said, “It is beautiful.” She looked so tired and weak.

I’m remembering that weak, frail smile. I’m remembering that shuffle down the hall. I’m remembering…and through the remembering there is that accusing voice, saying, “I should have” “would have” “why didn’t I” – it is all part of my story, one that has taught me so much and continues to teach me.

Good days, bad days…good days, horrendous days…it is all part of grieving. My, what an incredibly tangled web this grieving process is.

I miss my Mom, yet I find great comfort KNOWING that we are only temporarily separated by this enemy called “death”. I find great comfort KNOWING that one day we will be together again, and this time all the “ugliness of the flesh” will be done away with. We will be in heaven with our Savior and each other with no pain, no sorrow, no regrets, no should haves, would haves…only eternity, heavenly eternity.

Praise be to God who alone brings the victory!!!

Congratulation to Our Son!

Congratulation to our son, Jaime!!!

Today he is gratuating from National Guard/Military Police. We are so proud of him.

The ceremony is in Missouri, so I'm saddened to say that I can't be there for him and with him. However, God provided for my husband to be there with and for his son. That was a total answer to prayer...we had been praying becuase we just did not want him to celebrate this milestone by himself, and God so knew the desires of our heart.

He is coming home on Saturday - I can't wait to see him!

It has been interesting around here. I will write in more detail later, but for now I wanted to share a devotion I read today. The minute I read the title, well...I will let you read it yourself. God so knew I needed this today:

"GO AHEAD AND CRY"
When you hurt the worst—go to your secret closet and weep out all yourdespair!

Jesus wept. Peter wept—bitterly! Peter carried with him the hurt of denying the very Son of God. Those bitter tears worked in him a sweet miracle. He came back to shake the kingdom of Satan.

Jesus never looks away from a crying heart. He said, "A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise" (Psalm 51:17). Not once will the Lord say,"Get hold of yourself! Stand up and take your medicine! Grit your teeth and dry your tears." No! Jesus stores every tear in his eternal container.

Do you hurt? Badly? Then go ahead and cry! And keep on crying, until the tears stop flowing. But let those tears originate only from hurt—and not from unbelief or self-pity.

Life goes on. You would be surprised how much you can bear with God helping you. Happiness is not living without pain or hurt. True happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of all the sorrow and pain. It isl earning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in the past.

You may feel rejected. You may feel abandoned. Your faith may be weak. You may think you are down for the count. Sorrow, tears, pain, and emptiness may swallow you up at times, but God is still on his throne. He is still God!

You can't help yourself. You can't stop the pain and hurt. But our blessed Lord will come to you, and he will place his loving hand under you and lift you up to sit again in heavenly places. He will deliver you from the fear of dying. Hewill reveal his endless love for you.

Look up! Encourage yourself in the Lord. When the fog surrounds you and you can't see any way out of your dilemma—lie back in the arms of Jesus and simply trust him. He wants your faith—your confidence. He wants you to cry aloud—"Jesus loves me! He is with me! He will not fail me! He is working it all out right now! I will not be cast down! I will not be defeated! I will not be a victim of Satan! God is on my side! I love him—and he loves me!"

The bottom line is faith. And faith rests on this one absolute: "No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper…" (Isaiah 54:17). (From David Wilkerson)

Happy 24th Birthday, Angie!

Angie, today

Angie at 6 months

24 years ago God blessed us with this beautiful little girl.

How awesome God is! He has done, and continues to do, above and beyond all that we have asked and prayed. Yes, her life is nott "normal"...it is extraordinary, because her God is an extraordinary God.

Thank you LORD for this beautiful blessing!

Happy Birthday, Angie! Love you tons!!!

The Prodigal

I read the following:

"...I was touched by the deep need of the prodigal..."

My immediate response was -

"WHAT?!

The prodigals deep need?! What about the heartache and pain it brings the parent(s)? What about the parent(s) shattered dreams, expectation, plans? What about the parent(s) shame, pain, agony?

What about the parent?!"

I don't think I've ever thought about this side of the story.

What is the prodigal thinking? Is the prodigal really having such a great time out "in the world"? When all the lights, all the glitter, all the "noise" dies down, what is left in the prodigal's mind?

Luke 15:17 says, "but when he [the prodigal] came to himself, he said..."

This shows a turning point. A point that the prodigal "comes to himself". Before this turning point, it was all "eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow I die" or was it?

Father give me Your heart, give me Your eyes to see - beyond my pain, my heartbreak - that soul who is so lost, so needy. Father, You came to save and deliver. Father there is nothing impossible for You. Father, You will perfect all that concerns me, for I trust in You. Bring that lost soul to the point of realizing he/she is lost and in need of a Saviour. We trust in You. We believe in You. In Jesus Name - Amen!