Mom's One Year Anniversary

One year ago my Mom went home to be with the LORD. What an incredible year this has been. Who would have thought there would be so many emotions, regrets, an intense hurt, and such loneliness.

Memories, memories, memories...

I remember thinking,

~ "no one should ever see their loved one carried out in a body bag."
(Mom's passed away at home and the coroner had to transport her body to the funeral home)

~ "no one should ever have to receive their loved ones body in a crate."
(Mom's desire was to be buried in Mexico next to my Dad. This was insane. I, fully convinced and knowing that that was just a shell of who Mom was, had such a difficult time seeing this crate being brought down and dismantled...I can't even imagine what the rest of the family felt...God have mercy!)

~ thinking of her frail body gasping for air

~ thinking of the incredible deterioration that happens as one embarks on their last journey

~ have her eyes etched on my mind and heart as she looked at me for one last time

~ still tremble at the feeling of having to come home from the funeral home and finding her room empty...all the equipment had already been picked up by the rental companies - no longer needed, but, O GOD, what a sinking feeling...sat in the middle of the room and lost myself in time.

~ bath days, doctor appointments, unused wheelchair...

YOUR EMPTY CHAIR!!!!

Today I had the intense desire to go to her grave, but it was not possible. So I went to my brother's grave and took some poinsettias...how empty, how lonely...

You know, I wonder...I wonder how people who don't have the hope that I have cope with death. I know where Mom is. I am fully convinced that one day I will see her again. I know that God is in control and works all things for the good...YET THE PAIN!

Enough of my ramblings...

Clinging to the hope that does not disappoint...JESUS!!!

Seasons

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to case away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate; a time to war, and a time of peace.

27 years ago I was getting ready to be married to Jaime J. Ramirez
26 years ago I was on my way to the Doctor's, later to be sent to the hospital to have my first son, Jaime Antonio.
A year ago I was about to enter into a realm that has shook my world...Mom's last day here on earth.

Father, thank you that no matter what - joy, pain, suffering - You have been and continue to be there for me. You have been faithful, You continue to be faithful, and you will remain faithful until the end.

My Hope

My Mom, my Sister, my niece, Moni

Me, my brother, Oscar and my niece, Lulu

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my family. The other day my niece, Lulu, posted this picture on Facebook. In fact, she posted a bunch of pictures of when we were little. It was a nice trip through memory lane.

My heart grieves at the thought of how "SIN" has shattered, and continues to destroy, our family. There is this worship song that we sing at church - it is called, "You Hold Me Now" - that brings me to tears everytime.

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace

All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
When Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence here to hold
Let these songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suff'ring You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sickening
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now

In this life fin'lly stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails

When You're name is lifted high
And forever praises last
For the glory of Your Name
I'll be livin' for the day

When the world has finally cease
All creation rest in peace
Let these songs of heaven rise to You alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suff'ring You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sickening
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name

I absolutely love the fact that this is not just a song, but reality. This is what we are promised in Scripture...Praise be to God! This earth will pass away and we will have the new heavens and new earth.

Isaiah 65:17-19 - Look! I am creating new heavens and a new earth - so wonderful that no one will even think about the old ones anymore. Be glad; rejoice forever in My creation!...And the sound of weeping and crying will be heard no more. v.25...In those days, no one will be hurt or destroyed on my holy mountain. I, the LORD, have spoken!

My Brother's, Tony, Grave

Visited my brother’s plot yesterday. For some reason I’ve been really desiring to go to the cemetery. Yesterday, my niece, Lulu, came to spend the day with me and we took that drive to Corona.

As I saw my brother’s stone I was overwhelmed by emotions, by questions, by an extreme desire to sit and cry my heart out.

My brother was 26 years old, he has been gone since 1983. It was all so fresh.

My thoughts – “His stone is so dirty, you can’t even see his picture.” “What happened? Why did I abandon him” (please know that I do not believe that I have abandoned my brother. I know that all that remains in that grave are my brother’s bones. “Did his 26 years with us really mean nothing.” Then as I tried to read the lettering on the stone, I voiced, “Beloved Husband…really, where you really a beloved husband?” With a chuckle I answered by own question.

To see this run down plot really grieved my heart.

What happens when someone dies? I mean, what happens to those that stay behind? Am I saying that if you do not visit your loved ones plot it means that you did not love them, you do not miss them, you do not care for them? No, I’m not saying nor implying that. Each of us will deal with their grief in different ways. However, I am asking myself the question of “why the need to visit this plot?” “why the overwhelming heartache and pain when I saw the signs of abandonment?” It hurt me, it grieved me, it was painful to see.

Thinking of My Family

I’ve been thinking so much about my family (Mom, Dad, siblings, nieces, nephews). I wonder what happened to us. I have memories of us being together all the time. Anything that happened was a reason to celebrate. I remember our home was always full.

Now as an adult I look around and all I see is destruction. Reminds of John 10:10 - The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy:…

Alcoholism, drug addiction, broken homes, broken lives or literally shattered lives, etc., etc.

The other day I asked the LORD why He had chosen me. How was it that by His incredible grace and mercy He plucked me out of the mire and set my foot upon the solid rock which is Jesus Christ. I received no answer, I was only prompted to continue to intercede for my family. God is still able to bring salvation to their souls…until they take their last breath, here on earth, there is still hope. I don’t lose hope, but I must admit my heart hurts at the thought of their lives being lived in such destructive ways.

Today the LORD gave me a wonderful gift. My sister-in-law, who lives in Mexico, posted this picture of two of my brothers. I hadn’t seen them since Mom’s funeral. O, to see their faces, what joy! But o, the heartache of seeing their eyes…the pain of a life lived in the mire. O, God, reach down from heaven and call them by name. Pluck them out of the mire and set their feet upon the solid rock, which is Jesus Christ. Thank you, LORD, for this gift. Thank you, LORD, that You are here with me and You are there with them.

How many more lives will be destroyed? How many more souls will be saved? Those are questions I do not have an answer to, nor will I ever. However, I cling to God’s Word that says, that He is not willing that any should perish, but that all will come to repentance. I will continue to pray and plead for the souls of my family until, Jesus, calls me home to be with Him.

Grieving/Remembering Mom

It has been over nine months since Mom’s home-going. Today “grief” has hit me like a ton of bricks…again.

I have not had the courage to write, even though at times I have felt prompted to. There is this fear in me of being vulnerable, letting my guard down, actually letting you in on my feelings. There is also that dreaded “voice’ that condemns me and whispers in my ears and at times screams in my face, “Now, you care”…”Now, you want to…” “Now, you miss her”…on and on it goes.

It is time to write…

Today I’ve felt this need to go to Mom’s grave and take her flowers, this is not the first time. It is funny that before I thought taking flowers to a grave was a waste of time, however, today I wish I would have that place where I know Mom’s body was placed, a place I can go to and take her flowers. You know what, Mom loved roses. She always had them growing around her home. I have a flower bed with roses that she loved to go outside and sit by them (when she was able to go outside). When it became difficult for her to go outside, she would stand by the sliding door and stare at them…she loved roses. I remember her last day here on earth, it was already December so there wasn’t much left of the rose bushes, however I looked out my kitchen window and saw the most beautiful red rose. God spoke to my heart and led me to go cut this rose and take it to Mom. This day she wasn’t able to walk to the kitchen, so I brought it to her and put it on her little table…she simply smiled and said, “It is beautiful.” She looked so tired and weak.

I’m remembering that weak, frail smile. I’m remembering that shuffle down the hall. I’m remembering…and through the remembering there is that accusing voice, saying, “I should have” “would have” “why didn’t I” – it is all part of my story, one that has taught me so much and continues to teach me.

Good days, bad days…good days, horrendous days…it is all part of grieving. My, what an incredibly tangled web this grieving process is.

I miss my Mom, yet I find great comfort KNOWING that we are only temporarily separated by this enemy called “death”. I find great comfort KNOWING that one day we will be together again, and this time all the “ugliness of the flesh” will be done away with. We will be in heaven with our Savior and each other with no pain, no sorrow, no regrets, no should haves, would haves…only eternity, heavenly eternity.

Praise be to God who alone brings the victory!!!

Congratulation to Our Son!

Congratulation to our son, Jaime!!!

Today he is gratuating from National Guard/Military Police. We are so proud of him.

The ceremony is in Missouri, so I'm saddened to say that I can't be there for him and with him. However, God provided for my husband to be there with and for his son. That was a total answer to prayer...we had been praying becuase we just did not want him to celebrate this milestone by himself, and God so knew the desires of our heart.

He is coming home on Saturday - I can't wait to see him!

It has been interesting around here. I will write in more detail later, but for now I wanted to share a devotion I read today. The minute I read the title, well...I will let you read it yourself. God so knew I needed this today:

"GO AHEAD AND CRY"
When you hurt the worst—go to your secret closet and weep out all yourdespair!

Jesus wept. Peter wept—bitterly! Peter carried with him the hurt of denying the very Son of God. Those bitter tears worked in him a sweet miracle. He came back to shake the kingdom of Satan.

Jesus never looks away from a crying heart. He said, "A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise" (Psalm 51:17). Not once will the Lord say,"Get hold of yourself! Stand up and take your medicine! Grit your teeth and dry your tears." No! Jesus stores every tear in his eternal container.

Do you hurt? Badly? Then go ahead and cry! And keep on crying, until the tears stop flowing. But let those tears originate only from hurt—and not from unbelief or self-pity.

Life goes on. You would be surprised how much you can bear with God helping you. Happiness is not living without pain or hurt. True happiness is learning how to live one day at a time, in spite of all the sorrow and pain. It isl earning how to rejoice in the Lord, no matter what has happened in the past.

You may feel rejected. You may feel abandoned. Your faith may be weak. You may think you are down for the count. Sorrow, tears, pain, and emptiness may swallow you up at times, but God is still on his throne. He is still God!

You can't help yourself. You can't stop the pain and hurt. But our blessed Lord will come to you, and he will place his loving hand under you and lift you up to sit again in heavenly places. He will deliver you from the fear of dying. Hewill reveal his endless love for you.

Look up! Encourage yourself in the Lord. When the fog surrounds you and you can't see any way out of your dilemma—lie back in the arms of Jesus and simply trust him. He wants your faith—your confidence. He wants you to cry aloud—"Jesus loves me! He is with me! He will not fail me! He is working it all out right now! I will not be cast down! I will not be defeated! I will not be a victim of Satan! God is on my side! I love him—and he loves me!"

The bottom line is faith. And faith rests on this one absolute: "No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper…" (Isaiah 54:17). (From David Wilkerson)

Happy 24th Birthday, Angie!

Angie, today

Angie at 6 months

24 years ago God blessed us with this beautiful little girl.

How awesome God is! He has done, and continues to do, above and beyond all that we have asked and prayed. Yes, her life is nott "normal"...it is extraordinary, because her God is an extraordinary God.

Thank you LORD for this beautiful blessing!

Happy Birthday, Angie! Love you tons!!!

The Prodigal

I read the following:

"...I was touched by the deep need of the prodigal..."

My immediate response was -

"WHAT?!

The prodigals deep need?! What about the heartache and pain it brings the parent(s)? What about the parent(s) shattered dreams, expectation, plans? What about the parent(s) shame, pain, agony?

What about the parent?!"

I don't think I've ever thought about this side of the story.

What is the prodigal thinking? Is the prodigal really having such a great time out "in the world"? When all the lights, all the glitter, all the "noise" dies down, what is left in the prodigal's mind?

Luke 15:17 says, "but when he [the prodigal] came to himself, he said..."

This shows a turning point. A point that the prodigal "comes to himself". Before this turning point, it was all "eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow I die" or was it?

Father give me Your heart, give me Your eyes to see - beyond my pain, my heartbreak - that soul who is so lost, so needy. Father, You came to save and deliver. Father there is nothing impossible for You. Father, You will perfect all that concerns me, for I trust in You. Bring that lost soul to the point of realizing he/she is lost and in need of a Saviour. We trust in You. We believe in You. In Jesus Name - Amen!

HE Conquered the grave - Hallelujah!

Today we celebrate the fact that Jesus conquered the grave. JESUS has risen from the dead - Hallelujah!

Thinking that December 4th, 2009 (4 months ago) Mother's very sick and frail body took its last weak, shallow breath here on this temporal earth. However, she opened her eyes with no frailty whatsoever, no difficulty breathing and able to RUN to her Savior, Jesus Christ.

O, what a Saviour!

O, what hope!

Because HE lives we can continue on with a hope that does not disappoint.

Hallelujah! What a Saviour!

One Pure and Holy Passion (song)

Another song that just resounds in my heart and soul:

"One Pure and Holy Passion"
By Christ Tomlin

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me on magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You

To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your dicsiple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you, my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after you
To know and follow hard after you
To grow as your disciple in the truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you

Lord to know and follow hard after you
And to grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you
Lead me on and I will run after you

Spring Blossoms

I see all these beautiful evidences of "LIFE". What seemed dead is coming alive again.

This time of year reminds me of this song:

"You Are So Faithful"
Like the sun that rises everyday,

You are so faithful.

Lord, You are faithful

Like the rain that You send

And every breath that I breathe

You are so faithful, Lord

Like the rose that comes alive every spring,

You are so faithful.

Lord, You are faithful.

Like the life that You give,

to every beat of my heart,

You are so faithful, Lord.

I see the cross and the price You had to pay,

I see the blood that washed my sins away.

In the midst of the storm

through the wind and the waves,

You'll still be faithful,

You'll still be faithful,

When the stars refuse to shine and time is no more,

You'll still be faithful,

You'll still be faithful, Lord.

From Streams in the Desert:

...You can force a rosebud open, but you spoil the flower.
"Not what I will, but what you will" (Mark 14:36). Stephen Merritt


"His Way"
God sent me on when I would stay
('twas cool within the wood);
I did not know the reason why.
I heard a boulder crashing by
'Cross the path where I had stood.


He had me stay when I would go;
"Your will be done," I said.
They found one day at early dawn,
Across the way I would have gone,
A serpent with a mangled head.


I ask no more the reason why,
Although I may not see
The path ahead, His way I go;
for though I know not, He does know,
And He will choose safe paths for me.
---From Sunday School Times

Stepping Stone

After I wrote the last post and meditating about things, the LORD gave me the following through a friend:

From My Utmost for His Highest – If you become a necessity to someone else’s life, you are out of God’s will. As a servant, your primary responsibility is to be a “friend of the bridegroom” (John 3:29). When you see a person who is close to grasping the claims of Jesus Christ, you know that your influence has been used in the right direction. And when you begin to see that person in the middle of a difficult and painful struggle, don’t try to prevent it, but pray that his difficulty will grow even ten times stronger, until no power on earth or in hell could hold him away from Jesus Christ. Over and over again, we try to be amateur providences in someone’s life. We are indeed amateurs, coming in and actually preventing God’s will and saying, “This person should not have to experience this difficulty.” Instead of being friends of the Bridegroom, our sympathy gets in the way. One day that person will say to us, “You are a thief; you stole my desire to follow Jesus, and because of you I lost sight of Him.”

So, often I think I know best or I get in the way of what God want to do in the person and actually hinder God’s work in that person’s life.

Today in my devotion, Streams in the Desert I read about a monk who planted a an olive tree sampling. Each day he prayed for the tree and what, in his estimation, the tree needed to grow…rain, sun, frost…but it died. It was contrasted by another monk who also planted a little tree and his tree was thriving. This was his explanation: “I entrust my tree to its god. He who made it knows better than a man like me what it needs. I gave God no constraints or conditions, except to pray, ‘Lord, send what it needs – whether that be a storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost. You made it, and you know best what it needs.’ “

Father teach me to pray. To know when, to know how. Father may I be a “friend of the Bridegroom”, may I be a stepping stone, and may I not be a hindrance.

Memorial Service/Luncheon

Sometime back I received an invitation to a Memorial Service/Luncheon given by Charter Hospice for those that have gone on. This was the hospice that took care of Mom in her last day. It really blessed my heart. I really didn't know if I wanted to be part of this, but a friend encouraged me to attend. Now, I can say that I am so glad that I attended. The place was beautiful. A couple of weeks prior to the event, they had us submit a picture of our loved one so that they could make a slideshow.

The place was decorated with items that represented "life". They had tables all around the room where they had framed pictures of our loved ones - we were asked to bring one that day and we got to take it home. Our center piece was a branch with a bird nest and a butterfly (see picture above). It was simple, but beautiful. We also received and ornament as a reminder, a token. As the slide show was presented and the names of those loved ones where called out, the family members got to go up and light a candle - beautiful! We went outside and released balloons with loving thoughts about our loved ones, and they had a "releasing of the doves ceremony". It was so beautiful to see the different groups of doves gather together in the sky and then fly together. I thought of that song, "I'll fly away, o glory, I'll fly away." I thought about how one day, I too will fly away to heaven and will gather with those that have gone on before me - it was very moving. The visual was incredible!

They also read something about the meaning of the folding of the American Flag, that I had never heard before - I really liked it:

WHY THE AMERICAN FLAG IS FOLDED 13 TIMES

Have you ever noticed on TV or at military funerals that the honor guard pays meticulous attention to correctly folding the American flag 13 times? I've known how the 21 gun salute was determined (adding the individual digits of 1776), but only recently learned why the flag was folded 13 times when it is lowered or when it is folded and handed to the widow at the burial of a veteran.

HERE IT IS:

The first fold of our flag is a symbol of life.

The second fold is a symbol of our belief in eternal life.

The third fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans departing our ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of our country to attain peace throughout the world.

The fourth fold represents our weaker nature, for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance.

The fifth fold is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, "Our Country, in dealing with other countries, may she always be right; but it is still our country, right or wrong."

The sixth fold is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that we pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States Of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.

The seventh fold is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic.

The eighth fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day, and to honor mother, for whom it flies on Mother's Day.

The ninth fold is a tribute to womanhood; for it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded.

The tenth fold is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of our country since they were first born.

The eleventh fold, in the eyes of a Hebrew citizen represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon, and glorifies in their eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

The twelfth fold, in the eyes of a Christian citizen, represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in their eyes, God the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.

When the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding us of our nation's motto, "In God We Trust". After the flag is completely folded and tucked in, it takes on the appearance of a cocked hat, ever reminding us of the soldiers who served under General George Washington, and the sailors and marines who served under Captain John Paul Jones, who were followed by their comrades and shipmates in the Armed Forces of the United States, preserving for us the rights, privileges, and freedoms we enjoy today. There are some traditions and ways of doing things which have deep meaning. You will see many flags folded in the coming weeks, and now you will know why.

After all this we were served an incredible lunch. I was so blessed with all that was done. There was a limit on the people we could bring - this was the only bad thing, because I wish I would have had more of my family members be a part of this.

Me-limited, frail; Christ-powerful and strong

Sitting helpless, unable to move or go take care of things outside or anywhere.

*Trash can knocked over; trash going all over the place. I want so bad to go and pick it up, but “I CAN’T”. All that is within me is dying to go and pick it up, but “I CAN’T”.

*”Things” in my back porch are being tossed around, some even falling and breaking, being shattered on the ground. “I CAN’T” shelter them, “I CAN’T” save them, I CAN’T even pick them up. All that is within me is dying to go and clean up, but “I CAN’T”.

I didn’t KNOW this wind was coming, it just showed up, unannounced. If I would have known, I could have been prepared – ready. Maybe I would have put some of the stuff on my back porch away or protected it in some way. I did not KNOW the wind was coming.

Sometimes things in our life “just happen” – they come unannounced, unplanned, we are simply not prepared for them. What is our reaction?

Sometimes people around us are falling, failing, breaking, shattered – do we think we can go pick them up and protect them? Do we think we can keep them safe?

In the spiritual realm, however, I am not helpless or unable to move. God tells me that I wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities (Ephesians 6:12) and that our weapons of our warfare are not carnal but MIGHTY in Christ Jesus to bring down strongholds (2 Corinthians 10:3-6).

Even if we are bed-bound we can pray and intercede for those in need of deliverance. It will be God who will pick them up and heal their brokenness. Then it will be HIM glorified and Christ exalted. (2 Timothy 2:9b…the word of God is not bound.)

Father, in our weakness and in our frailty, YOU remain strong; You remain able.

You are able to save.
You are able to redeem.
You are able to heal.
You are able to restore.

You are not limited.

You are All-Knowing, All-Powerful, Our Sovereign King, Bless Your Name, O LORD!

Our Testimony

Revelation 12:11 - And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives unto the death.

This weekend God showed Himself powerful. It had been a while since my husband and I went on a Couples Retreat. This past weekend we had the opportunity of going away with other couples up to Twin Peaks. The weather was wonderful and their was still enough snow to enjoy.

The weather was incredible, the surroundings amazing, the food scrumptious, the teachings totally anointed by God...in one word - AMAZING!!!

Yet, the best part of it all was that God healed, renewed, revived, exhorted - GOD WAS TOTALLY GLORIFIED!

Our testimony is a powerful tool. One that can be used by the LORD to speak to others. So often we think that we are alone in our trial, or that no one would understand what we are going through, or even embarrassed to speak of your situation. Whatever the reason might be, we keep silent. We don't speak forth and proclaim what God has done for us. Yet, when others hear and see the evidence of God's handiwork, they get encouraged and get strengthened.

Because of our great weekend, a weekend filled with answers to prayer and seeing God's amazing hand, this morning I woke up so encouraged and joyful. I was getting ready to have some sister's over for breakfast and prayer. I went to take a shower and WAM!!! As I lifted my leg up and to shave (graphic, I know, but I need to give you the picture) something popped on my lower back and I went down for the count. I thought I was going to pass out of the pain. I prayed like crazy. I tried to maneuver and move, but the more I moved or tried to move, something else would tighten up. Don't ask me how I got out or what happened next...it's kind of ugly.

My wonderful friends arrived. They prayed over me for healing, I felt better and we enjoyed each other's company. However, when they left I could not function. I called my chiropractor, I prayed and prayed so that I could get in the car and get over to his office - praise God, I did. He says I tore something and had a joint from my hip out of place. Once that we in place, I felt better but the tare is going to take "REST". I came home feeling kind of bummed, but then my nephew called to ask me how our Retreat went. As I began recounting what God had done, my spirit began to soar and praise God. Then I came to the computer and received a beautiful e-mail from a Sister in Christ, and you know what - IT IS ALL WORTH IT! God has a plan even for this...so to God be the glory!

Devo - Streams in the Desert

My Devotional Today from Streams in the Desert

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering…But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ. (1 Peter 4:12-13)

Many hours of waiting were necessary to enrich David’s harp with song. And hours of waiting in the wilderness will provide us with psalms of “thanksgiving and the sound of singing” (Isaiah 51:3). The hearts of the discouraged here below will be lifted, and joy will be brought to our Father’s heavenly home.

What was the preparation for Jesse’s son, David, to compose songs unlike any others ever heard before on earth? It was the sinful persecution he endured at the hands of the wicked that brought forth his cries for God’s help. Then David’s faint hope in God’s goodness blossomed into full songs of rejoicing, declaring the Lord’s mighty deliverances and multiplied mercies. Every sorrow was yet another note from his harp, and every deliverance another theme of praise.

One stinging sorrow spared would have been one blessing missed and unclaimed. One difficulty or danger escaped – how great would have been our loss! The thrilling psalms where God’s people today find expression for their grief or praise might never have been known.

Waiting on God and abiding in His will is to know Him in “the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings” (Philippians 3:10) and “to be conformed to the likeness of his Son” (Romans 8:29). Therefore if God’s desire is to enlarge your capacity for spiritual understanding, do not be frightened by the greater realm of suffering that awaits you. The Lord’s capacity for sympathy is greater still, for the breath of the Holy Spirit into His new creation never makes a heart hard and insensitive, but affectionate, tender, and true. Anna Shipton

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. 1 Timothy 1:12

God spoke to my heart again. Confirming the message that He has been putting on my heart.

Spirit of Truth continue to speak, open our understanding and give us ears to hear what the Spirit is saying to us. May we not fear what's up ahead. Give us the desire to be doers of Your Word and not simply hearers. In Jesus Name.

What holds me back?

Sorrow and Suffering revisited. The LORD has brought these two faithful companions to my mind, once again. I searched my previous posts to see when I had written about them, it was April 2008.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

In this time of transition and change, God has been comforting, loving, assuring, and o so gentle. As of late though He is challenging me. He is beckoning me to go, to trust, to live in full abandonment for Him. At times I can say, “Let’s go LORD. Whatever you want, wherever you say.” Then, my flesh takes over and the doubts come in, then there is fear and doubt and apprehension, etc.

The lyrics to the songs I have posted below are some of the songs that, along with His Word have been ministering to me, challenging me. The song, “Sweetly Broken” brought me to my knees. Sweetly and Broken just don’t seem to go together. Yet, even in the breaking God is so gentle. Last night I had an opportunity to hear from a godly man sharing part of his testimony. This man is an older-seasoned-saint. He stood frail and physically tired, but when he opened his mouth and allowed the “word of his testimony” to go forth, it was amazing! The main thing was that God is a sure REFUGE in time of trouble…and trouble will come. He shared about his wife having cancer and him praying and asking the LORD for a miracle. And, guess what, God choose to take his wife and not heal her. Now, did he walk away? Did he turn his back on God? NO!!! He fell on his face and surrendered fully to the only One who could give him REFUGE and strength for the journey ahead. This man has tasted and seen that the LORD is good. Not because his life has been a walk in the park, but because through his trials and tribulations – his sufferings, God has been glorified and he is being conformed into the image of Christ.

Once again, the LORD brought the verse in Romans 8:32 – He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? -- God spared not the best He had – His Son. He delivered Jesus up for us all. Will he not FREELY give us all things? My goodness, what questions. What searching of the heart. What else do we want? What else do we need, to give ourselves over to Him in full abandonment, and say with Esther, “and if I perish, I perish.” What do we fear?

Romans 8:28 – And we KNOW that ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose. – the “all things” include sorrow and suffering, but they will work out for good, God says they will. Then in Romans 8:31 it says, What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? -- God now only calls us but equips us for what He calls us to do. What holds us back? What do we fear?

Romans 8:18 – For I reckon that the SUFFERINGS of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

2 Corinthians 1:5 – For as the SUFFERINGS of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

Philippians 3:10-11 – That I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being made conformable unto His death; if by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.

Colossians 1:24 – Who now rejoice in my SUFFERINGS for you, and fill up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ in my flesh for His body’s sake, which is the church:

Hebrews 2:10 – For it became him, for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons unto glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through SUFFERINGS.

1 Peter 4:12-13 – Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s SUFFERINGS; that, when His glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.

Can I say with Isaiah, “Here am I, send me”? Can I say, “Where You bid, I will follow”? Can I be “wholly surrendered” to Him? Can I fall on my knees and say, “I’m offering all of me. Jesus you are all this heart is living for” – without fear of apprehension?

Father time is short. You are even at the door. I desire to follow hard after You. May I not go through the motions and look back one day regretting. I do not want to spend my whole life asking, “What if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions?"

Songs

“The Motions” by Matthew West
This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
*********************************

“Consuming Fire”
There must be more than this
oh breath of God come breath within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming Fire
Fan into flame
a passion for your name
Spirit of God
fall in this place
Lord have your way
Lord have your way
with us

Come like a rushing wind
Fill us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
leave us abandoned to your praise
Lord let your glory fall
Lord let your glory fall
********************

“Walk in the Dark”
Where are you taking me-why are we turning here
This road is strange to me-this path is not so clear
Must be the place where my doubt turns to faith
Where I close my eyes and take your hand
I'd rather walk in the dark with Jesus
Than walk in the light on my own
I'd rather go through the valley of the shadow with him
Than to dance on the mountains alone
I'd rather follow wherever he leads me
Than to go where none before me have gone
I'd rather walk in the dark with Jesus
Than to walk in the light of my own
I've made some plans you know-mapped out a strategy
Somebody tell me where did the seasons go-have you forgotten me
I've heard the darkest hour is just before dawn
And wherever you are the sun will shine
There will be shadows-but I won't be shaken
'Cause you've never forsaken a vow
You've never failed me before this I know
And, Jesus, you won't fail me now
******************************

“Sweetly Broken” by Jeremy Riddle
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness
***************************

“Hungry (Falling on my Knees)”
Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry

So I wait for You
So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart
Is living for

Broken, I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know
Your touch restores my life

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart
Is living for

Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry

The Elephant in the Room

Today has been difficult. I’ve been thinking about Mom…my heart aches and misses her. If you knew the entire story, you would, I think, shake your head. The fact that I actually miss Mom is, even to me, complicated to understand.

Her last Sunday with me comes to mind. She had just eaten breakfast – slower than usual. I was busy trying to get everything taken care of and set up so that I could go to church. I kept looking at her from the corner of my eye, I did not want her to think that I was concerned – if I looked calm and collected, she would rest in that everything was okay. However, I could sense something was not getting better. I finally sat across the table from her to have a much needed conversation, one that we had visited many a time. She almost seemed bothered by me interrupting her puzzle-making-time, but she finally looked up. We talked about wishes, decision, desires…I can almost picture her face and a look in her eyes of “I know what’s happening. I’m okay with it.” I went to church with a heaviness in my heart. I worshiped and prayed to the only One who would, once again, be my Supernatural-Strength in days to come – o how sweet it was. It was almost as if My Jesus cradled me and comforted me in a way that was going to raise me above what was up ahead.

So often I’ve felt that it is almost forbidden to cry, to remember. It is as if people around you are uncomfortable to even bring up Mom’s name. There have been times when all I want to do is sit with someone and simply talk about Mom – My Mom! I wonder how are my brother’s doing? Do they think of her as I do? Are they hurting? Do they need a hug? Do they need to talk about Mom?

Just the other day I received a letter from Charter Hospice (they were the ones that came in to help with Mom’s last days). At first I thought the letter was some form letter to tie up lose ends, you know business. The letter began with “Please accept our heartfelt sympathy in the loss of your mother, Elvira…” “Mom’s name!” was my first thought. This letter went on to say some very kind words. It ended with, “I have enclosed some information that may help you as you begin this journey of healing. Remember, we are here for you…” I though, “somebody remembers; they haven’t forgotten.”

One of the enclosures was the following poem:

“The Elephant In the Room” by Terry Kettering
There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is Hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, “How are you?” And, “I’m fine…”
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else…except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
O, please, say her name.
O, please, say “Barbara” again.

Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death perhaps we can talk about her life?
Can I say “Barbara” to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me
Alone…
In a room…
With an elephant.

So I guess I just had to talk about the “elephant in the room”…I just had to say Mom is gone and I miss her so…

Changes - kitchen

Before my kitchen had stenciled fruit borders and was a light yellow (forgot to take pictures...) And, now, it is darker, as you can see...really different. Also, the floor was linoleum and now we, also have pergo...

Changes - floor/hall

In our hall way, my husband tore up the carpet...what a mess!

But, it was worth it! Now we have pergo...it really looks nice and clean. My niece and her husband have been working really hard to put it down...thank you guys. It looks really nice.

Changes - painting

We have been making some changes to our house...I guess it's better than moving (I think :-) My son painted before he left. Our walls used to like this:

Now, they are just a neutral color. Really different, but good. He really worked hard on getting it done before he left.

Claudia is Engaged!

Yesterday we also found out that Claudia is engaged - wowwie! We have to celebrate more - he!he! Praying that all her plans and dreams become reality, that the LORD will be the center of her marriage. Can't wait for the wedding...

Happy Birthday Moni!

It was my niece, Moni's birthday yesterday. We had such a wonderful time celebrating her special day. From left to right - me, Lulu, Moni, Claudia, Nancy...I just love these girls. We are desiring to build beautiful memories together. Lunch was yummy, company was wonderful and the laughter was on going...good time :D

Joseph Joshua Ramirez is born!

Jose, Joseph and Laura
Papa holding his little boy - precious!!!

Going Through Mom's Things

I finally got the chance, or should I say the courage, to go through Mom’s things. After Mom went to heaven, I kind of shoved everything in drawers or into the closet. However, for some reason, I have not been allowed to linger in this place for too long. Soon after, I had to deal with another good-bye, and then there was the saying good-bye to our son as he left to Missouri. I had, however, managed to ignore the piles of Mom’s things that had to be sorted through.

The day came and I sat, alone in the room…alone in the house.

“O, look, Mom’s blood-sugar checker (not the correct term, I know).”…I remember when the doctor first asked me to check her sugar. Mom was so upset because she said, “I’m not diabetic! Why do you have to do that?” For a while, almost every time I went to check her sugar, she would always say that. After some time, I think, she knew I was going to do it anyway, so she would simply stick out her hand.

“Mom’s little blankets.” She loved little blankets. She had seen some plush blankets announced at Anna’s and she kept hinting until I got her a small and large blanket…she loved her blankets. One day she saw an orange and black blanket that I had bought for my son when he was in high school. She hinted and hinted until I washed it and gave it to her - she just loved it! She used to say it was so warm. I really think she liked the colors. Mom loved bright colors.

“Here is her clothes, her shampoo, her…, her…, her…, her stuff.”

Is that how it is? Some one’s stuff is put away. Is boxed up. Is…

Is this what happens?

No wonder Mom had such a difficult time going through Dad’s things. In fact, I don’t think she ever managed to go through them. Here and there she gave some stuff away and some stuff disappeared (total other story), but for the most part Dad’s things simply stayed where he left them.

Mom, I KNOW, is in a better place. She has no more physical suffering. She is finally whole - for this I am eternally grateful. And, it does help on some of those difficult days. But, I must admit there are days that even this can’t take the pain away.

Romans 8:32 - He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up
for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

“…With Jesus I know I can make it, with Jesus I know I can
stand…My life is in His (very able, capable) hands…”

Pray for My Son

It is official, my son has enlisted in the National Guard. Yesterday he came home and showed me his Military I.D. Card - yes, I cried and held him tight. I guess I never thought...

Please continue to pray for my son - in a few days he will be leaving for Missouri. Keep me in prayer - my heart aches and rejoices at the same time. Keep my husband in prayer - his Papa's heart...

Date with Bek

Bek and I on a date.

Pho Noodles for lunch and Baskin Robbins for dessert - yumm!

We had a wonderful time.

I've been going through some pictures that I brought back from Mexico. Ran into this one...tears!!!

This is Mom, Me, and Sister. Two women who poured their life into me and who are now gone.

Many, many regrets. Unending tears...

This grief thing has taken me by a storm.

I will praise MY JESUS in the storm - Hallelujah!!!

One Month...

One month ago my Mother went to heaven. That day I, along with my family, entered into a journey that will take a life time to deal with. As one of my nieces said, "I am remembering all those that have gone on before us."

Today - my husband is back to work, my daughter is back in Pennsylvania and Mom is in heaven. I wish I could say that the changes end there, but only God knows what lies ahead.

Praise God that He only asks me to deal with TODAY! And, even with today, HE is ever present...a very real help, comfort, and shelter.

I am clinging to His Word:

YOU have turned for me my mourning into dancing; YOU have put
off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, to the end that my glory may sing praise to YOU and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to YOU forever. Psalm 30:11-12